This post was written by my sister
A woman working in a call centre in Bangalore was raped, and then murdered. A few weeks later, I received a forward carrying pictures taken after her death, and the message :
“With due respects to the lady who has been murdered, please take a look at the dress that she had worn(a sleeveless shirt and a pair of jeans) during the macabre incident. This should be an eye opener to all the parents who have some misdirected souls as their daughters and also to all those morons who think that wearing less clothes and being foolishly bold is a measure of modernity...Well, one lady has paid the price...atleast, be careful from now on...”
This made absolutely no sense to me, because the entire event was pre planned. Any six year old could conclude that the assault had nothing to do with what the girl was wearing.
However, the mail represented a deeper issue.
A common belief, I have recently discovered, is that women who don’t dress conservatively are asking for trouble. Therefore, if they get raped, it is their fault to a large extent. It is believed that they are only provoking men(who are naturally unable to control hormonal rages as they still remain barbarians from the stone age) by showing skin.
The truth is, it simply doesn’t matter what women wear. A girl in a salwar still hears leering remarks as she crosses the road, and probably gets harrassed more than a girl in a t shirt, simply because she looks more vulnerable.
When will society learn to punish the perpetrator instead of the victim? Instead of expressing outrage, we send emails blaming the girl. In the name of a conservative culture, we shy away from reality and hide behind walls of half baked opinions with no substance.
Somewhere, we are confusing preservation of our cultural identity with condoning ruthless crime.
I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.
- Henry David Thoreau
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30 comments:
Very correct.
People are afraid of norms.
And, due to their personal and general pressure in life, they need to find some way to relax. So they pass judgement on others to let out their frustration. They don't need to think who is right or wrong, they are actually thinking about themselves. Doesn't matter if you did right or wrong,, unknown people will hear your story and pass their decision to you.
Mass can not be held still, but it can be given a direction.
Would it not matter to you, if you are, say dieting, whether or not your room was stuffed full of chocolates.
Honestly think of the answer before your mind goes to find any analogy between this and your post.
So, it does matter, right? You would be much more likely to stick to your diet if you dint have so many temptations.
Having chocolates in your room suddenly increased the probability of you breaking your self resolve!
Quote from your post
"A common belief, I have recently discovered, is that women who don’t dress conservatively are asking for trouble. Therefore, if they get raped, it is their fault to a large extent."
Yes, women who dont dress conservatively are indeed asking for trouble. So would be a man who is walking a dimly lit street with notes almost falling out of his pockets. Would you say that it would be a man's fault if he was mugged?
Not criminally, but to the extent that he hugely (and in my opinion, very stupidly) increased the possibility of him being mugged, YES, it is his fault too! That, of course, does not reduce the criminal's responsibility etc. and neither is that the purpose of my comment.
Please, Dress conservatively in a conversative society, just as you would be better of locking all your money in bag before leaving home.
No offence intended, too, let me add.
Wish you a safe journey home after end terms :)
Puneet, thank you!
Thank you for capturing the essence of what is wrong with our society so eloquently. Your analogies are both mildly amusing and horrifyingly misplaced.
You believe that in society, if a man walks home alone on a street with money in his pocket, he deserves to get mugged? Interesting. Why? What justification is there for condoning what is essentially an act of ‘evil’ simply because the offender had an opportunity to commit the evil. Is a ‘bad’ not a ‘bad’ if you did not have cameras watching you to ensure you did not commit the ‘bad’?
If you mugged a man walking alone on a street, is that okay? After all he was alone.
What if you mugged a man who was walking? Instead of taking a protected convoy home from the bank, what if the idiot chose to walk. Isn’t he just asking for it.
And what sort of fool decides to step out of the house anyway after 6 in the evening. (or 5 in the suburbs). I’d say the kinda fool who deserves to get mugged right? Wouldn’t you agree?
By your logic, a man who decides to seal a petrol pump run by a corrupt owner is asking to get murdered is he not? Let us leave him then, to his fate.
A man, who decides to fight for justice in a corrupt system, is asking for his family to recieve his body in a bag, is he not? let us leave him too..
We move on then, to others. Irresponsible housewives who open their doors when the bell rings deserve to have gangs of men come in and raid their house do they not? After all.. she should have known better..
Now as for women who dress in non-conservative clothes. They are simply bang out there asking for it aren’t they? Irresponsible sluts. After all, guys get turned on by jeans and tees and once they do, its uncontrollable and obvious that a girl will get raped right?
What about sarees? Are sarees allowed or is that also asking for it? Growing up on Hindi movies, I'm sure some men find the saree also attractive.. so that's ruled out i guess.. What about burkhas?
If a woman’s burkha is a suggestive shade of black, is that asking for it too?
As you suggest, chocolates in my room are a temptation.. so I throw them away. Now what do you propose to do with 49% of India’s population? Throw us away? Lock us up in harems to be used as chattel?
Enough studies have shown that rape is not about sex but about power. I’ll assume you doubt all of them and argue both ideas.
If rape is about power, then we need to give the victims power too. If today the perpetrator of a rape is punished, tomorrow a johnny come lately will atleast think twice about feeling up an 8th std kid. Empowerment of women, education so that they are not treated as mere sex objects, and discontinuing the objectification of women in media will help.
On the other hand, to take your mugging analogy forward, the typical male is apparently akin to the typical drug addict lurking in the city streets looking for finance for his next fix. Put money (or a girl) in front of him and he just can’t resist. Right?
So who do we lock up? The man with the money in his pockets? Or the drug addict who will kill for 5 dollars? Shall we tomorrow pull all women out of colleges and schools and instruct them to stay at home so that they are not provocation for the average male who after all can’t help himself?
Or (and this is where the sarcasm ends) shall we instead suggest that a man perhaps should be a lot more than a body part, and its time he used his brain to make decisions?
My dear fella, Get a grip!
Suze.. i agree wit u gal..think its abt time men stopped blamin women for their lack of integrity!....when the hell will male chauvenism ever end(sigh!)
saracen, gud 'nuff point..
but there is a difference between a city admin saying avoid a street, and city admin saying carry a gun.
the post above blamed women for getting leched/raped etc.
that is, imo, patently unfair.
as for our personal safety, thanks for the wishes, advice and concern (abso no sarcasm implied - i swear)
Quite mind boggling comments here!! =))))
I would also like to ask one question... when will people stop blaming and start recognizing their involvement in any good or bad act?
Why they forget that pointing fingers won't help?
I guess that is so coz not everybody has that much understanding. Pardon me but even if you teach a person how to read and write, he still needs to think about what he actually studied. You can find many literate people, but not so many really educated ones.
To change things one need to be brave to face the whole mass. But thats not sufficent, coz even a fool can be brave at times. You need to be smart too!
Ha!
I strongly suspected that my comments would be misinterpreted.
I am sorry I dint finish reading your response, but the first few lines were enough.
May I recommend you reread my comment?
it seems (to me, at least) that you see whatever I say in the light of your own opinions. May I recommend that you try to see them in a more white light?
Did I ever say that a person walking with a lot of money deserves to get mugged?
In any case, end of discussion from my side.
Have fun!
puneet, if my comments are viewed in my light, you can hardly blame me can you?
I'm not the author of the post. Was simply responding to your comment.
And the crux of your argument was, i believe, that a man walking on a street is a foolish person, and if he gets mugged it may be regrettable incident but the fault lies with him.
This i disagree with. however mildly and centre of the line it is clothed.
The same thing could be said about the Operation Majnu where girls and guys were beaten up, for walking in a garden.
Obscenity and vulgarity are subjective words and are open to interpretation.
However in places like somalia where crime is widespread it would really be foolish to dress in western clothes and walk on the street.
The sae cant be said about India because, women are roaming around freely without any discrimination as such .An interesting quote in TOI " Why does a rapist get 7 years imprisonment, while the victim gets that of a lifetime?" Think about it.
P.S.-which school in muscat. Iam from Indian School Al Wadi Al kABIR(iswk). aND where did u stay in msucat?
Sad seeing some people post that men do get tempted by suggestive clothing.How many guys out here have the heart to say they wudnt mind their girl succumbing to temptations....Instead of facing up the problem and fighting it out we are just trying to squeeze ourselves out!
The worst part of this whole issue was that the girl whose pictures were circulated was NOT Pratibha....and that's a fact.How hasty people are to pass judgements! One reason is no one wants to accept that such a thing can happen to them or to their wife,sister or daughter.So the rationalizing starts - He/she did this or that and thats why this tragic thing happened to them...Its a way to avoid facing the fact that it could happen just as easily to me or anyone I love....
Though this was posted as a reply to your post on Dec.1 I couldn't help but post it here for suze to see and respond!
"....I don’t think the state should decree that I can’t eat beef or that Krishna can’t be made fun of in a movie"...well, it's your right to have your say and have fun, but not at the cost of others sentiments....you obviously know that religion is a stronlgy held belief system in India and it's considered a way of life for millions here....would you tolerate if someone made fun of your mother or your dad?? well, everything within limits can be tolerated but it becomes unpalatable when it goes to extremes!! i hope you take it in a right spirit
December 24, 2005 9:54 AM
the fwd mail was sent to almost everyone in wipro,tcs,infy,satyam and wat now.. more than " be careful blah blah..".. the person in the pics ain't prathiba. i don understand y ppl say " the person in dis pic is prathiba.look at her dress when she was murdered".
Guys.. u find loads of such pics on d net. prathiba was unidentifiable .post mortem took 36hrs..
Firstly a feeling of deja vu.ref prev posts on modernity and misplaced conservatism.
Secondly, Suze, i certainly feel that your solutions are rather idealistic. Surely, only the perpetrator deserves to be punished but in the society we live in, the victim on most occassions has to shoulder part of the blame.
You dont need a scientific study to prove that dressing provocatively goads men into behaving reprehensibly. A woman in a tank top surely titilates a man more than one in salwar. The stimulation is enough... and to borrow a line from gabrielle solis, an erect penis does not have a conscience.
In a country like India, we judge a book by its cover. its this archaic mindset that we may need to change, but it will not happen over night. a shift in mentality would take time, but until then we'll do well not to provoke the leery eyes of lechers and fornicators.
i agree with you suze.. and to be honest im appalled by some of the comments on the post..
why dont people understand a human beings (man or womans) right to independence.. whether it is in what they wear or what they do..
if i dress well for say a party, its to feel nice about myself and have a good time. the last thing im looking forward to is being raped.. going by the views expressed on the comments to this post, one would believe that im giving out an open invitation..
and to think... the people for whom these comments are meant for dont even WANT to read beyond the first few lines..
a disgusted deepti
Where is the author of the post? Haaaaaaaaaaallpp! It's getting outta control!
=)))))))))
People.. people.. please.. what you think is right doesn't make them right. Mob doesn't have brain. The attitude doesn't change just like that. TIME is al that we need. Till then.. please don't fight so bad!!
I have a question for the dumb-a** who sent your sister that mail.
why the hell do NUNS get raped when they are covered from head to toe?
I for one strongly believe that a dress is/has NO part in the crime itself. Tell me, does it matter what dress a one-year old child wears when she is molested by her uncle?
"erect penis does not have a conscience"
lolz.. seriously??
i can't help but give up in frustration!
rape, is not about sex as it is about power.
i'll keep this in simple short sentences.
so that people who were too bored to read long paras are suitable satiated.
anon who is obsessed with krishna/beef. what is unpalatable, extremist about what i said? or are you calling rape as taking 'fun too far'?
i did not then and i will not now make fun of any religion or hurt their sentiments. ANY religion.
was busy boldly going where no fachchi has gone before on dbabble, hence was away from the blog.
deepti, i agree..v disgusted.
and the author of the blogpost is my sixteen year old sis..
as an aside, it is strange and sad but i guess rationalizing that somehow the victim was to blame makes us feel safer does it not. We believe that it will never happen to us b/c that person was dressed provocatively or some such thing.
but the actual victims of rape? women on suburban trains, women raped for something their brothers did, girls in salwars heading to/from college. the facts don't go well with your assumptions.
its all v well to say that the women who get raped were 'asking' for it in some way and let it go. but before you generalize, check your facts.
the single largest group of women who get leched at on city buses (in my experience) is schoolgirls. And they are in boring sacklike salwars.
teasing/raping/harassing a women is rarely about her beauty or sex appeal. more often than not, it is about the fact that a man has the power to get away with it.
diPpitY! said...
"and to think... the people for whom these comments are meant for dont even WANT to read beyond the first few lines.."
:). Thanks for pointing it out. I did read the comment in full now finally.
back to fundas....
a criminal arises in a society coz of two factors: (a) his/her intent and (b) his/her opportunity.
easy availability of opportunities is not a mitigating factor against a criminal. intent ("mens rea" in roman society) and execution are sufficient to punish a criminal.
a victim cannot and should not be blamed for providing an easy opportunity. mahatma gandhi said the true test of a good society is when an attractive woman can wear a nice dress, some jewellery and walk safely in a street in the middle of the night.
whew. whoa. what a wisdom. judge the society. judge not the woman.
advices to not provide an opportunity are not discrimination against the victim. too much sensitivity here is not clever either. however, even the mildest suggestion that the victim is responsible is "plain stupid".
vice chancellors who decree uninviting dresses for gals are simply saying they are incompetent as leaders to inspire character.
policemen who dish out young ones having a good time in the park are saying they are incompetent in enforcing law against immoral traffic.
thought leaders who advise women to wear uninviting dresses are conceding that a society of leers and lechers is acceptable to them.
men, and women, have a right to live without fear of losing their rights (their rights to their bodies; their rights to their pride and their rights to their property). criminals who covet to violate that are responsible for the crime and need punishment.
simple as that.
Haven’t we complicated too simple an issue??
We have ‘woman’, ‘man’ & ‘mad dog’ out there in context of ‘rape’
-man will never try to rape woman
-mad dog will try to rape woman when both it finds vulnerable woman and it is provocated.
And, while vulnerability is to do with woman, provocation is to do with mad-dog.
-That means simple, to avoid rape attempts, kill mad-dogs and ensure that no man gets changed to mad dog. That has to be priority no.1.
-But that’s not so easy and in most cases you will be able to identify mad–dog and kill it after crime has been committed, so while you are trying to find the solution, you can empower the woman, so that she isn’t vulnerable. Priority no.2
-While that is being addressed, avoid provocation. But this cannot be any priority as it cannot be addressed at generic level and that is so because provocation has to with mad-dogs not woman. So, a woman can only take precautions for her own sake when she is vulnerable. And ‘not to wear skimpy clothes’ is one of many precautions she can take in such situation. But again, woman is doing this for her sake only and this will not affect the big picture unless other two problems are not fixed.
I tried to be as honest as possible, if I made any mistake it has to do with my sick mind.
And, of course assumption here is no man gets raped.
anon, that's a pretty gr8 analysis of the situ!
why cant women see reason behind conservatism?>
Interesting read...and I have to agree that blaming it on the garb is just plain bullshit. Which 2 year old girl decides to dress provocatively so as to get raped by a relative and yet it happens...so lets just rationalise this also by saying that the kid has to carry a part of the blame and we all can just carry on blogging for the sake of blogging. Crap!!
HEllo!are u saying that scantily clad women are as much in danger of getting molested as ones in Sacklike sarees. I think you are mistaken... Women are judged on the outfits they were. So when a woman is dressed in spaggethi straps or tank tops she is in a far more vulnerable position than one in a boring salwar. Y cant u get that? I am not a rapist sympathiser nor do i share his craving for power but the point of the matter is that women , in some cases, are inviting trouble by their provocative dressing habits. Y titillate an already depraved mind.? This is INDIA. its sad. but thats how closed conservative societies react to an influx of foreign culture....
Interesting topic. -grinz-
Happy New Year!. May god bless you and your family. May all your wishes come true this new year.
thanks ghost particle.. same to you! :)
Conservatism and modernity dont come with dressing and with beleifs and choice.To wear revealing dresses has nothing to with inviting trouble rather a matter of choice.some comments here to go back to conservatism are misplaced in context.I for that matter am downright conservative but forward looking at the same time.The rapist should be hanged and this will act as detterent for other willful offenders.Women instead of crying foul of all comments by sayin they affect personal liberty and choice should fight for them in a society of MCPs as many always call ours.
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